my own gratefuls.

This month I've been focusing a portion of group each day towards gratitude with my women. It's brought tears of reflection to look at where they've come, and what sobriety has brought back into their lives. It's been emotional for me to watch the shift of attitude within our community, and how influential gratitude can be in our own lives.

This daily ritual has also been leaving me on the brink of tears as I reflect on all my many blessings. A couple nights ago I was up at 3:00 throwing up, and feeling worried about what my work day would look like.

As I quietly climbed back into bed, Kenneth rolled over in his sleep and pulled me closer. As I laid there wrapped in his arms watching my lover sleep, I also felt those miraculous baby kicks from my little man.

How do you take in such a piece of heaven, and truly be grateful.

Kenneth Richard.

A couple weeks ago I was at dinner with a friend who recently met Kenny. During dinner she remarked can I tell you that I love you and your husband. Just watching you for those short 15 minutes I saw the way you looked at each other, and I continue to see the way you strengthen each other the more I get to know you.

I sucked in a deep breath of air the kind that tries to hold back the emotions already emerging from my eyes, and all I could think to say was "I don't know why I got so lucky".

At work the women talk about the men they are dating, my coworkers talk about their husbands/exhusbands... and somehow I always feel shy chiming into those conversations when I think about how perfectly fit Kenneth is for me. The even more embarrassing part is when I start talking about us I end up practically in tears wishing with all my heart they could have something close to what I have.

To try to express the way my love has grown, deepened, and changed over these past 2 years of marriage and since high school is probably pointless...yet I can't help but try.

First and for most looking at our baby; the baby our love created on that little ultrasound screen touches a place inside me with the purest of love for this man. This man that was once the teenage, bleached-out-haired, incredibly tan kenneth that I fell lustfully in love with. The teenager that I watched grow into his role as a missionary, and then the missionary that grew into my loving husband.

All of these stages we've been through together quell in comparison to watching my husband becoming a father to our baby. Watching his excitement, his random baby texts, and listening to him chat to my belly show me a glimpse into a sacred type of love. We feel so incredibly blessed with where life is taking us right now, and I'm understanding the words spoken on our wedding day in such a deeper way.

With ALL of this baby talk being said, I think I cry weekly at the thought of letting go of this stage of my life. This kenneth and kell stage. We have been able to see and experience so much of the world together since our wedding day, and my heart aches to give up this part of my life. I told my mom from a young age I want to be a wonderful mother, but more than anything I want to be a wonderful wife. I want my kids to know that more than anything, because I want them to have something even greater than the love Kenneth and I share. When I look into his eyes I can see my dreams, my future, and my growth. He is my safest place, my most loyal friend, and he still brings me that calm and peace from our wedding day. He makes me belly laugh the kind that brings tears to your eyes. I really can't imagine my life with anyone else, and I'm trying my hardest to not take what we have together for granted. God blessed me with a gift beyond comparison. 

Kenneth Richard, I love you.

{ Mothers }

Mothers day is a continually evolving day for me.

Growing up I loved celebrating my mother, but I did not understand the significance of that humbling, and incredibly sacred word.

Last year mothers day rolled around, and it dawned on me how closely that sacred calling now looms in my future. I know, I know…I was quite visionary when it came to what my perfect wedding day would be like, but in all honesty I think I’ve dreamt of the first moment with my precious child—straight from heaven—more frequently than the wedding vision. Being married, the vision has sweetened in its vividness, with Kenneth beside me. At age eleven I was already “literally” writing down some dos and don’ts I wanted to follow as a mother, and that list has grown, evolved, and been corrected time and time again ever since then.

The older I’ve grown the closer my list has aligned to that of my mothers. 

Madisons letter to my mom yesterday quoted the scriptures as she spoke of those faithful mothers of the stripling warriors. I read her words, and they echoed the ones in my heart. “we do not doubt our mothers knew it” (Alma 56:48). Greater than any of my mothers teachings was faith and love of the Savior. She loves him, she follows him, and she has taught me how to listen to him. I was about 10-12 years old when my mother was called as Relief Society president, and she instilled me a deep understanding of how to love thy neighbor; she taught me how to serve. That calling ended, but the service continued. I do not think there is a greater friend to have than my mother. I watch the way she calls on her dear friends, she prayers for each of them, and loves so purely. I have never doubted my mothers testimony, and I have always seen her exemplify her desire to show her Savior she loves him, and that she is listening to the Holy Ghost. What more as a mother can you wish to teach your children?

Secondly my mom is practical, and rational. In the heat of emotions or drama she says it like it is. I always new my mom understood “my side”, but when I was upset or worried I was always shown the opposing sides feelings. She never indulged the “drama”, and told me what I needed to do to be the bigger person. ALWAYS she taught me how to be Christ like. It is not like my feelings weren’t valid, but she wanted me to be more than those feelings. I don’t think there is anything better to be taught as a daughter of God. For the most part I have been able to stray myself away from the drama of being a woman, and have been able to understand that the drama just comes from the insecurities we each carry. To coincide with this she taught me to love myself. Yes, I have my own insecurities, but for the most part my love for myself parallels more closely to my Saviors love than what the world would have me view myself as. Daily in my work I can see how this simple knowledge can change the outcome of your entire life. Knowing that you are a daughter of God changes your life, your views, your heartbreaks, and more than anything the mindset you take through this life.

My mother taught me to work. From day one we had jobs and things that were our responsibility to have. Not one of them included the phrase “If you do this…then we’ll buy you this…”. Part of being alive is working, and dang it you will love it. Some of my fondest memories are Saturday mornings weeding the garden beside my entire family. She followed the model of families that work together stay together as well as families that play together stay together. I’m grateful that she taught me to work without the mindset of “now I deserve something”. In a continually self entitled growing country, I’m grateful to be able to work without thinking “what’s in this for me”. She encouraged me to follow my passions, and the things that make me fulfilled as a person. I’m grateful for that.

Lastly my mom was always on my level. Mothering did not mean “what can I buy to entertain my child”. Mothering was always what we could do together. She was always on the floor in my world pushing me to expand my reality. I can recall so many songs that were sung each night before we went to sleep, I remember hours of reading before bedtime, I remember playing house with her, and always being outdoors with her. She never allowed me to be a girl when it came to the outdoors. We would collect bugs, and watch them grow. My personal favorite was the caterpillar we caught along the parkway. We watched it grow, we fed it, and eventually we watched it evolve into a butterfly. When I was about 8 I decided I should be a teacher. She helped me pass out fliers to my entire neighborhood, and that summer I taught school each week for a couple of hours to about 10 or so 5 year olds. I can’t help but laugh at the idea of it all right now, but if I had a dream she assisted me in following it… even if it was as extreme as flying to Ghana. In retrospect I don’t know if I would let my daughter go, but instead of following her logic she listened to the spirit. Somehow she let me on a plane to Africa with absolutely nothing set in stone of where I was living or what I would be doing. I’m grateful she allows me and encourages me to follow my dreams.

There is so much more than what I’ve written, but more than anything I’m grateful for her love.

My idea of a mother has changed these past couples of months working at House of Hope. It has completely evolved. Growing up in an LDS community taught me from day 1 what ways I can be a wonderful mother. One of the things I love most about the church is the focus on families. I will follow these to the best of my ability, but I have also learned more ways to be a mother, and more than anything how to understand and respect mothers who don’t have the means to provide the life I was used to.

If anyone were looking in at the lives of these kids at the house of hope your heart would break. Somehow it just isn’t fair. I know life isn’t fair, but in their cases it seems so much more than just unfair, and yet I wish you could see my women fight for their children. Addiction is a disease not unlike cancer in its extremities, and to judge how someone loves their children based on how they acted in their addiction breaks my heart. They could not help it. They do not have the skills to combat an addiction on their own, and for that purpose we have places like House of Hope. Watching what it means to be a mother, when you did not choose it, when you have to do it without ANY support from your family, let alone a man, you learn how innately we were born to be nurturers. The minute these women find some level of sobriety, their instincts kick in, and the worry turns to their children. You would not believe the guilt these women carry, let alone the guilt of how the world views them. I watch woman change each and everyday. I watch them grasp things they were never taught. I watch how intently they care for their children, and they are mothers and women of God.  

On Friday we celebrated being mothers with volunteers from paul Mitchell, Lush, Doterra, and other hair places. The women spent the entire day focused on pampering themselves. At the end of the day we took about an hour to process and share what being a mother means to them. I never cry at work, but being in that room surrounded by women sharing the most sacred calling we have here on earth touched my soul. Gods love enveloped every inch of that room, and the essence of what it means to be woman was displayed. The world wishes to tear us down, to objectify each of us, and if that doesn’t work we’ll do all the tearing down ourselves. We are our own worst enemy, and to busy ourselves judging others along with how each of us already judges ourselves breaks my heart.

I am trying harder than ever before to give people a break, to cut them some slack, and reframe everything back on myself. If they are struggling with something why am I not jumping into help. I am lowering myself each and every time I stand off from a distance and point out the things I don’t agree with.

Today more than ever before I’m grateful to be a woman. I’m grateful to know I am a daughter of God, and that I am loved beyond words by him. Multiple times each day I find myself praying within my heart for God to show each of these women how much he loves them. When life is literally caving in around them I pray harder than ever before. I’m committed to try a little harder to remember his love for me, and his love for everyone around me. I’m really trying to judge less, and jump in to help more.

I’m sorry this post is slightly just ramblings of my passions, but I hope it conveys in some way the love I have for each and everyone of you. I hope it sparks the desire to love a little more, and judge a little less. I know I am human, but I’m praying for God’s help in this each and everyday.

Annnd to end these rambles here is a quote from one of my all time favorite talks that truly articulates what it means to be a mother.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside Telestial time. The women of God know this.” –Neal A. Maxwell

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to my sweet wife McKell.

This is Kenny writing by the way, I wanted to write a bit about how great of a mother McKell will be to our future children.  I read a book Freakonomics recently, and in it they reviewed a study about a parent's effect on children.  From what they found it is not what the parents do that effect the kids more, but it is who the parents are.  The traits the parents possessed were picked up by their children far more than any act they did.  So what kind of kids are we hopefully going to have? Let me introduce their future mother, McKell.

First off, for those who don't know McKell very well, she has been more baby hungry than anyone I know and this is since she was born.  She has an innate desire to love and help children.  She almost killed her little sister Madi while hugging and swinging her around while her parents filmed it.  She is consistently bringing up new ideas for things to do with our nephews and our primary kids. She even offers to babysit kids in our ward all the time. I have no doubt that our future children will be able to feel their mother's love.  I will love our kids as well, but I'll probably have my favorites and love them more. 

.... More than other children that is. I will love our kids all the same. ....Whew.

Anyways, when I picture mother McKell (and future Nana Mckell when we're old and wrinkly together with grand kids), I picture her portraying several attributes I know she has already perfected to a T. 

To begin, the most beneficial characteristic of McKell is her ability to feel the Holy Ghost and follow His promptings.  While working as a therapist, she has come home on days and told me many times that when she is doing sessions with clients she feels prompted to say certain things or to not say other things.  Putting her knowledge aside, her first priority is to follow the spirit.  That yielding to the Spirit has already led her to accomplish so much in her life.  Her testimony of the gospel is firm and her faith that God will guide her is incredible.  Our children will learn from her example how to trust in God.  I will learn from her example how to parent each of our kids. 

Another trait McKell has is the ability to make each individual person feel understood and special.  This will come in handy when we have our 6 kids (or more). Currently McKell is working with roughly 15 individuals each week on a one to one basis, and probably closer to 60 or so others that she is influencing and teaching throughout the week.  She knows their names, their story, their struggles and her heart goes out to each of them.  As I watched her start this job and her internship I think the hardest thing for her was being able to leave work and to not think about everyone at work throughout the night.  She wants to do everything she can to help them, even if it is not very common. Last Saturday she took two ladies at her work and they volunteered their time to go to the youth care in Draper to tell their story to kids who can still change so much.  I'm sure those kids at youth care learned more in that 1 or 2 hours than maybe an entire week.  This desire to go above and beyond will give our kids a unique gift in learning and growing.  

One of McKell's favorite things which I share with her is the love for the outdoors.  I'll admit that our children will be forced to get tan in the summer and cold in the winter because McKell will make sure to give each of our kids ample opportunity to love the outdoors.  With her therapeutic recreation degree she knows how important these activities can be.  I'm so happy I have a wife that will push our kids (and herself in the process) to love doing things that require exercise.  McKell has that love, which is why she chose to run a marathon and is training to do another half marathon right now. 

Her determination in life is one reason I love her so much.  If she would always just go with the flow or give up when things got tough I wouldn't be married to her.  Literally, she would have been married long before I came home from my mission.  I am so grateful that she sticks with her guns and will defend what she knows is right.  She never gives up.  In her marathon she ran with a hurt foot for the last 6 miles, pushing past shooting pain in her heel with each step.  While getting her bachelors she knew she was suppose to be in Ghana so she left by herself with no program to find what opportunity God was setting up for her. Since going to Ghana myself this task seems even more daunting.  I was McKell's sidekick the entire time.  I let her bargain with people, make plans, talk with people, and pretty much do everything.  How she was able to learn all that on her own and end up the queen mother of a village in the middle of nowhere is absolutely absurd, that's what it really is.   I love the fact that being married to her guarantees me an amazing life.  She does not let adversity get to her one bit. 

One of McKell's strengths in life is the ability to communicate.  Perhaps this goes with her ability to love.  McKell is an expert communicator because she knows how to love.  Our kids will have troubles and fears and no doubt they will turn to their mother for advice.  The girls will go to her for advice on guys and the guys will go to her for advice on girls.  They'll come to me to fund their dates.  McKell knows me so well it's scary.  It's like she's in my brain and knows exactly what to say and do at precisely the right time. Our kids will grow up and be awesome influences on others because they will know how to communicate.  Or they will choose to be really terrible influences, either way they will be very influential.

While in college McKell and I would study for our American Heritage class together and she claims that I would do better than her and study less, but I feel this is only half true.  I'm grateful she thinks I'm smart but in all honesty if we were asked now about things we learned in that class I'm sure she would by far surpass me.  She has already gotten her bachelors, is just about to complete another program at the U, and is anxiously waiting for the day she can start her masters. She has a burning desire to be continually learning throughout her life.  She is the best at learning from others and is open to new ideas all the time.  She is the master learner.  This desire is also shown in the many new tasks she learns.  She see's a idea she likes and instantly she learns how to do it. Currently she is re-upholstering our couches, making a coffee table, and if you saw our wedding reception you may be surprised to know she designed and made everything there. I believe I did help paint one of the doors though, so she shouldn't get ALL the credit. You know which one.

I'm a firm believer that kids will learn what relationships are suppose to be like by how the parent's relationship is.  Not to say we are completely perfect, but I find it so easy to love and serve her.  I love how much I'm in love with her. If I had to place a bet on anything in my life, it would be that I will love her until the day I die. And since God is good I get to do that after this life as well. I'm so fortunate to have her as my wife and I'm absolutely giddy to think of how great of a mother she will be. ...in 7 months.

Happy Mother's Day babe.  

PS. just kidding, she's not pregnant and won't be any time soon.

{ self care }

I love my job.
I love it soo much that somedays I do what they tell you not to do.
I take the damn job home with me.

I come home feeling so heavy with worry for the woman that I can't process any other piece of my life. I called my mom almost in tears last week after we processed the 5th relapse we've had in the past 2 weeks. Somedays I feel completely helpless. The disease of addiction is real, it is powerful, and it has satan written all over it.

It is on days when the tears can't seem to stop, and these woman won't leave my mind that I find myself on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to let them feel his love. I beg him to be there when they are triggered and to help them through those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I pray for them, I cry for them, and then I give it to God. I always feel lighter after I submit and acknowledge his will for each of them. They never leave my mind, but the need to "save" them is eliminated, and I'm able to take care of myself and my own life struggles. I thank my education at BYU for teaching me this self care ritual.

In life in general learning how to have self care will change you in every way. Care about you so you can be an instrument in the lives of those around you. That is my shpill for the night.

sit with me, and my imperfections.

The most beautiful part of my job is witnessing the vulnerability, honesty, and raw emotions of what it means to simply be living the life these women have been given. Success in treatment is literally impossible without bringing down the walls, and I'm given the honor and trust to sit in those feelings; the pain, the abuse, the addiction, separation from children, the mental health component, etc. Many of them haven't felt their feelings in years because of their drug.

As I sit in group therapy sessions surrounded by women from all walks of life I am able to watch the way they support each other. I am humbled, and in a way envious of the depth of the relationships they are creating. To be accepted with all of you sitting on the table for them to see. It is truly beautiful.

A part of our program is doing an inventory of your strengths, and every single time they are read in group my eyes begin to fill. Each strength is read "I am worth it", and every woman in the room says "yes you are",
"I am beautiful",
"yes you are",
"My kids deserve their mom"
"yes they do"
and so on......

I judge my relationships based on the level of honesty, real "ness", and the ability to be okay in your imperfections. If you are struggling to understand me, share it with me, and lets brainstorm a way to move forward. The effort to grow a relationship with all its blatantly apparent flaws means the most to me. Being in a treatment center day in a day out is almost refreshing in a way. I wish I had the ability to instill the confidence in others to be okay in their imperfections, but I don't. That is soley your own "stuff", "stuff" I'm working on myself. I am by no means perfect, but I recently came upon this poem, and it seems to echo all the things I wish we as humans could show.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

gratefuls...

I am seriously exploding with gratitude lately. I just keep poking myself to see if this is really my life. There is literally nothing I would change.

Kenny is crazy busy in school, and working his booty off. How he is managing good grades in a statistics major is beyond me. Somehow I can't help but thank my Heavenly Father in almost every prayer for the opportunity we have to both be in school. Ghana is a constant reminder to me of the blessing it is to gain an education. This semester is already a lot more work than last semester because of my pharmacy and neurochemistry classes, but I honestly can say I love learning about what a drug does to the neurochemistry of your brain. I love learning about the synapse and the influx of dopamine and the inhibited uptake pumps from the certain drug...I always knew I was a nerd, but I think I'm becoming more so in these classes. I look up odd videos about the brain all the time. Our bodies are the greatest miracles. I am absolutely fascinated by it all.

I'm currently trying to put in about 12 hours a week at my internship in Draper at YouthCare. It is an adolescent residential facility, and I couldn't be happier with the amount I'm learning. YouthCare was my last interview, and I had 2 other internship opportunities offered to me. I told John, "I want to learn everything I can during my hours here, will you facilitate a learning environment for me to also expand my ideas for growth within your program?" He said yes, and I knew he would take the time to let me learn, and he has done exactly that. I am inspired and in awe at those teenagers. Half of the time I'm trying to keep myself together because I want to just sob with them. Life has thrown them things we can't even begin to imagine. Picking up a substance was the the only thing they knew how to do to numb the pain. Breaking down those barriers, and being able to see the vulnerability of a human, without the walls, is truly one of the most beautiful things I've ever been apart of.

I've also started a job working 32-35 hours a week at the House of Hope. I'm a day treatment case manager for women in treatment. House of Hope is one of the few organizations in Utah offering a place for your to get treatment with your children. Many of the women I'm working with are pregnant, and we have about 6 brand new babies that come to our sessions. Watching these woman adapt to being a mother for the first time while trying to overcome an addiction is humbling. I will forever be changed by their strength. They are teaching me so much, and daily I am reminded again and again how wonderful my life is.

I will forever thank my Heavenly Father for our month of travel over Christmas break. Experiencing it all beside my husband was one of the most amazing opportunities I've ever been given. I keep dreaming big impossible things, and somehow God always opens a door for me to achieve them. Don't ever sell yourself short. I'm reminded over and over again of the potential I have through his help.

Madi leaving to Japan in less than 2 months still catches my breath. I think I'm still in denial. Don't worry Kenny and I have already started planning how to fit airline tickets to Japan in our budget. I will be there to pick her up mark my words.

Last but not least I'm so grateful for primary. I think about our little kids all the time, and sometimes Kenny and I will talk about them before we fall asleep and just laugh at all their little sayings. They are such a bright light in this world. I'm really understanding why the class is called sunbeams. Last week I taught the lesson on the first vision. I was explaining the part of Satan, and no one was cueing into it so I explained him as the bad guy...every eye was completely freaked out that the bad guy was trying to take over Joseph Smith, and then we talked about our Super Heros Heavenly Father and Jesus. When I was explaining how they have the power to save us from every single bad guy I was touched from the simplicity of the message, and yet how incredibly true it is. Every kid thought that was the coolest thing they had ever heard, and were each able to retell the entire story with their sliding visual aid I made for them. Teaching the gospel to children is truly one of my favorite things.

I was feeling some of all of this gratitude last sunday when I got up to bear my testimony, and I was already in tears before I even started.

I truly stand amazed at the love jesus offers me.

mr. schreiner

I have about a million blogs half finished, and waiting for me to seal the deal, and yet I can't get my mind off of a happening this week.

Kenny somehow happened to have all 6 midterms land on this week so it's been -almost- finals week around here. Wednesday night is our only weekday night together so he decided to come home a little earlier. 8:00 rolled in, and I was anxiously awaiting my man. I could see the two bright lights of the front runner train approaching, and my heart was literally excited. I spotted his walk/bod before he was close enough for me to see his face. He was almost to the car when I glanced up into the rearview mirror and realized I was grinning.

He makes me smile without my consciousness clueing into it. Who even knew that was possible.

called to serve....

After the the one day delay due to a monday holiday the call finally arrived. She was sweating bullets because we thought she would have to wait till 8 to open it. God provided snow, and my classes were canceled so we were able to open it up much earlier. 

Thank goodness. 

Madi has been called to serve as a missionary in the Fukuoka Japan mission. She leaves April 3rd--yes 2 short months away we are freaking out over here. I wish you could have seen her face as she read the call, and basically charged my dad. I wish you could have seen my dads face. I'm glad you didn't see my face because I was a hot mess before she even opened the call.

Ohhh I just wish you could have all been there it was an amazing night. Afterwards we practically sat around for the following 2 hours smiling at each other, and occasionally one of us would say JAPAN in disbelief.

We are feeling so blessed. Seeing where God has called each one of my family members has born witness to me that he knows us each individually. I'm so incredibly jealous that these two will be speaking Japanese to each other....seriously the coolest.

I love that we were able to quickly pull out some Japanese apparel for the pictures. 

sis burgon.

About 2 weeks before I left on my crazy month long adventure Madi and I were on the phone, and she told me she had decided to go on a mission. Shock is what I then entered into, and to be quite honest I knew it was coming. I have had such testimony building feelings and impressions about this changed missionary age. Madi and I had talks about the changed age, and it was as if God was preparing me because he knew I would put up a fight to keep her here with me. 

After we talked on the phone I walked into the kitchen and burst into those achey selfish--how dare she leave me--tears. After we left my parents house I cried the entire way home. The thought dawned on me that Kenny and I might start our family while she is gone, and to think that my sister might not be there when I have my first baby has had me in random fits of sobs for the past couple of weeks. I can't tell you the amount of times I've looked at Kenny tears streaming down my face-- "I really don't want her to leave me". 

I left to Ghana in whirl of craziness and the reality of her putting her papers in shifted to the back of my mind. When I talked to my parents on the phone it would creep back, as they updated me on the progress of her papers. 

However, I had the most tender experience while in England. God calmed my soul. The tears are still in full force, but I have had my own confirmation. Visiting Kenny's mission is one of the best things I have ever been able to experience. Sitting in the homes of those Kenny taught, and listening to their stories touched me in such a personal way. I felt such overwhelming love for my husband, love for the gospel, love for missionary work, and more specifically such excitement for my sister. I would go with her if I could. 

I now just want to weep. Weep for the joy she will experience. Seeing Kenny with those he taught was one of the greatest joys of my life. I want that for my sister. I want her to be able to feel the spirit deeper and stronger than she's ever felt before. I want her to learn to love a new area, and a people different than Utah. I want her personality to be the answer to someone's prayers. I want her to find someone else to be the answer to hers. I want her to understand how God needs her talents, personality, and love for life in this work. I want her to able to write about her experiences to Trevor. What a beautiful building experience this will be for their relationship. 

I want her to experience all of the adventure that come from serving a mission. Even if that means I won't have my best friend here with me for awhile. It's only fair I share her. Not everyone gets to have a madison born into their family. Or perhaps she is going because I'm such a superlative missionary writer...either way. 

Here. We. Go. Again. 

I will keep you posted, her call should be here today! 

I'm hoping in 2 years time I'll be picking her up from her mission so she can show me a little bit more of heart the way I was able to do in Ghana. So crazy looking back at how much life we've experience together. 

the countryside.

Today I fell in love with the countryside. It was the most beautiful day...but I have to rewind because the days started out horribly wrong.

We woke up early, and caught the train for our 1hr ride back out to Hatton Cross so we could pick up our car at Sixt car rental. We arrived showed our booking information, and were told we needed to pay the young driver surcharge because we weren't 23. The only reason I booked with Sixt is because I called them twice and they told me both times they don't charge the young driver surcharge. They advertise that on their facebook page and website, but apparently it is different in Europe. I explained I told the guy when I called I was picking the car up in Europe, but to no avail we were given a 90 GBP charge for the young driver thing. Which just about doubled our entire payment for the car. Did I mention I turn 23 while we have the car...still nothing could be done. We finally agree to pay the amount, and then they check our drivers insurance. We have insurance back home, but because it doesn't cover over some crazy amount they needed to charge us for the insurance which was another 90 GBP. Then there was the VAT tax, british office tax...etc. etc. etc. we were money rapped etc.

Then we discover Kenny doesn't have his credit card, so we have to take a bus back to Feltham where Elder Price lives to find the Credit Card or else Kenny can't drive the car blah blah blah. We get there think it is lost for about the next 40 minutes of searching. I call Doris to see if we've left anything...she wants to know where I am, and isn't understanding my questions.

We eventually find the Credit Card. Call our insurance company to discover Europe requires some ridiculous amount of insurance so insurance from America doesn't cover it so we need to pay that insurance.

Long story short we end up back at Sixt car rental, and pay way over 350 GBP which is like $600 for a blasted car rental. We arrived at the car rental place at 8:30 and didn't get the actual car rented till almost 1. So we were charged like crazy and lost most of our day. We were pissed at this point...in fact I'm still pissed thinking about it. Maybe someday it will turn into something we laugh at, but I'm still not there.

We however got on the road, and I was instantly calmed. I could die in these rolling green hills. They are unbelievable. I was literally obsessing. It was like every period drama timed in England was coming to past right before my eyes, and it felt incredibly romantic. I've been dreaming of this place for almost ever. How can you not picture Mr. Darcy walking up the hill to Pemberley when you see hills like this. I was in a crazy romantic dream world. I think I told Kenny like 10 times how I've been romanticising English countryside my entire life, and it didn't disappoint one bit. I'd like to thank Jane Austen and my mom for making me watch the 6 hour version of Pride and Prejudice for that.

To pay her a tribute we stopped at her house. Absolutely beautiful. I think I could actually write books like hers if I lived under such conditions...okay maybe not, but she really grew up in the most beautifully quaint town.

Afterwords we plugged in the gps coordinates for StoneHenge. We were busy gabbing away not really paying attention, and we came up over this hill in the middle of literally nowhere. Settled in the most beautifully green lush landscape sits StoneHenge. I think I gasped it was so beautiful. I really didn't have any expectations for StoneHenge and I was blown away. I think I was obsessed mainly because of this setting, but I have never seen anything remotely like it. It really does have a spirit about it, and it how those rocks got there is beyond me. I loved the place. I would highly recommend it to anyone. Completely surprised me how much I loved it. I think the sheep grazing around it were just the cherry on top to my obsession.

We started heading to Wales, and we were within probably 40 minutes of it, but decided to not take the rest of the journey because it was already getting dark. I was so bummed and wanted to start cursing sixt car rental again.

We decided to drop in on Juliette so we headed up to Bidford on Avon. Kenny didn't have her number and she had no idea we were in England, but he still had her address memorized from the first day he met her. So we just drove there and hoped for the best. It was completely dark when we arrived, and he was positive it wasn't the right house until he saw a picture on the wall of Rebecca so we knocked, and I wish you could have seen their faces. Juliette and Rebecca both came to the door. Kenny had a shadow over his face, but the minute he stepped into the light they screamed Elder Schreiner!!! It was amazing. They were thrilled, and I was so relieved for a minute they weren't sure who he was apparently he has lost a lot of weight since he served in Redditch.

My heart was warmed to see Kenny's picture upon their shelf from their baptismal day. They said they were talking about him earlier today, and sent a package to us last week. So we came home from England to a package with a union jack tablecloth. So happy about that.

We had been there about 45 minutes when Kenny asked if we could sleep over. ha ha Nothing like dropping in right? It was wonderful to stay up late talking in the kitchen about the growth their family has had in the gospel. I felt so full of God's love listening to her share her story from the day she met Kenny, and the steps to baptism. What a beautiful gospel. God is so mindful of each of us. He picks us up right when we need it most.

Juliette shared of the struggles and triumphs she has experienced over the past 2 years, and she is planning to go through the temple this March. How I wish we could go through with her. She has the most beautiful conviction and testimony.

We finished the with pajamas on, hot chocolate, and laughing together. It felt like I had known her my entire life. What a beautiful night.

london exploring

We started the morning off exploring Kings Cross Station. I'm in love with the exposed brick here. Of course we bumped into platform 9 3/4. 

 

Our plan was to wake up early so we could make it to the tower of London for their first tour. We however slept in till 830- 9ish. We hurried to the London Tower to discover it was closed because of the new year.



To be honest I wasn't too bothered by it. We spent the morning strolling along the Thames River, walking the London Bridge, and just seeing London on foot. It was beautiful, and did I mention the sun came out?!!!

Next we got off at Buckingham Palace. The gates on this place are a bit too ornate for my taste ha ha but it was still interesting to see. The queen was in because the flag was raised on top of the house.

We walked along Hyde Park, and eventually made it to the shopping area so we could see Harrods. I'll be honest I walked in the front door, and exited the next door I came to. Too big, I felt overwhelmed by the entire place.

Next we caught the train to Camden Market. Seriously one of the best decisions. I absolutely loved the place. Crowded yet so picturesque with the waterway, millions of little stores, and all the authentic food.

We ate some asian food from a little booth, and took our seat on the scooter. Seriously one of the best ideas. 

 

In front of us was the waterway with a boat thing set up for concerts. If I ever live in England I will come to one of the shows played on that boat. Loved the entire environment of this place. 

If you've seen what a girl wants with amanda bynes and collin firth this is where they shop together and dress up. Okay so I've wanted to come here since I was a tween. Perhaps that is why I liked it so much. 

We bought the coolest little handmade double decker bus in one of the booths, and I also bought some amazing shoes for 10gbp. Couldn't be happier. 

We made a quick stop on the way home at Leadenhall market to see where they filmed a piece of Harry Potter...the diagon alley part.

annnd we stopped at Baker Street to see 221B...Sherlock Holmes House.