I love my job.
I love it soo much that somedays I do what they tell you not to do.
I take the damn job home with me.
I come home feeling so heavy with worry for the woman that I can't process any other piece of my life. I called my mom almost in tears last week after we processed the 5th relapse we've had in the past 2 weeks. Somedays I feel completely helpless. The disease of addiction is real, it is powerful, and it has satan written all over it.
It is on days when the tears can't seem to stop, and these woman won't leave my mind that I find myself on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to let them feel his love. I beg him to be there when they are triggered and to help them through those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I pray for them, I cry for them, and then I give it to God. I always feel lighter after I submit and acknowledge his will for each of them. They never leave my mind, but the need to "save" them is eliminated, and I'm able to take care of myself and my own life struggles. I thank my education at BYU for teaching me this self care ritual.
In life in general learning how to have self care will change you in every way. Care about you so you can be an instrument in the lives of those around you. That is my shpill for the night.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
sit with me, and my imperfections.
The most beautiful part of my job is witnessing the vulnerability, honesty, and raw emotions of what it means to simply be living the life these women have been given. Success in treatment is literally impossible without bringing down the walls, and I'm given the honor and trust to sit in those feelings; the pain, the abuse, the addiction, separation from children, the mental health component, etc. Many of them haven't felt their feelings in years because of their drug.
As I sit in group therapy sessions surrounded by women from all walks of life I am able to watch the way they support each other. I am humbled, and in a way envious of the depth of the relationships they are creating. To be accepted with all of you sitting on the table for them to see. It is truly beautiful.
A part of our program is doing an inventory of your strengths, and every single time they are read in group my eyes begin to fill. Each strength is read "I am worth it", and every woman in the room says "yes you are",
"I am beautiful",
"yes you are",
"My kids deserve their mom"
"yes they do"
and so on......
I judge my relationships based on the level of honesty, real "ness", and the ability to be okay in your imperfections. If you are struggling to understand me, share it with me, and lets brainstorm a way to move forward. The effort to grow a relationship with all its blatantly apparent flaws means the most to me. Being in a treatment center day in a day out is almost refreshing in a way. I wish I had the ability to instill the confidence in others to be okay in their imperfections, but I don't. That is soley your own "stuff", "stuff" I'm working on myself. I am by no means perfect, but I recently came upon this poem, and it seems to echo all the things I wish we as humans could show.
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
As I sit in group therapy sessions surrounded by women from all walks of life I am able to watch the way they support each other. I am humbled, and in a way envious of the depth of the relationships they are creating. To be accepted with all of you sitting on the table for them to see. It is truly beautiful.
A part of our program is doing an inventory of your strengths, and every single time they are read in group my eyes begin to fill. Each strength is read "I am worth it", and every woman in the room says "yes you are",
"I am beautiful",
"yes you are",
"My kids deserve their mom"
"yes they do"
and so on......
I judge my relationships based on the level of honesty, real "ness", and the ability to be okay in your imperfections. If you are struggling to understand me, share it with me, and lets brainstorm a way to move forward. The effort to grow a relationship with all its blatantly apparent flaws means the most to me. Being in a treatment center day in a day out is almost refreshing in a way. I wish I had the ability to instill the confidence in others to be okay in their imperfections, but I don't. That is soley your own "stuff", "stuff" I'm working on myself. I am by no means perfect, but I recently came upon this poem, and it seems to echo all the things I wish we as humans could show.
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
Friday, February 8, 2013
gratefuls...
I am seriously exploding with gratitude lately. I just keep poking myself to see if this is really my life. There is literally nothing I would change.
Kenny is crazy busy in school, and working his booty off. How he is managing good grades in a statistics major is beyond me. Somehow I can't help but thank my Heavenly Father in almost every prayer for the opportunity we have to both be in school. Ghana is a constant reminder to me of the blessing it is to gain an education. This semester is already a lot more work than last semester because of my pharmacy and neurochemistry classes, but I honestly can say I love learning about what a drug does to the neurochemistry of your brain. I love learning about the synapse and the influx of dopamine and the inhibited uptake pumps from the certain drug...I always knew I was a nerd, but I think I'm becoming more so in these classes. I look up odd videos about the brain all the time. Our bodies are the greatest miracles. I am absolutely fascinated by it all.
I'm currently trying to put in about 12 hours a week at my internship in Draper at YouthCare. It is an adolescent residential facility, and I couldn't be happier with the amount I'm learning. YouthCare was my last interview, and I had 2 other internship opportunities offered to me. I told John, "I want to learn everything I can during my hours here, will you facilitate a learning environment for me to also expand my ideas for growth within your program?" He said yes, and I knew he would take the time to let me learn, and he has done exactly that. I am inspired and in awe at those teenagers. Half of the time I'm trying to keep myself together because I want to just sob with them. Life has thrown them things we can't even begin to imagine. Picking up a substance was the the only thing they knew how to do to numb the pain. Breaking down those barriers, and being able to see the vulnerability of a human, without the walls, is truly one of the most beautiful things I've ever been apart of.
I've also started a job working 32-35 hours a week at the House of Hope. I'm a day treatment case manager for women in treatment. House of Hope is one of the few organizations in Utah offering a place for your to get treatment with your children. Many of the women I'm working with are pregnant, and we have about 6 brand new babies that come to our sessions. Watching these woman adapt to being a mother for the first time while trying to overcome an addiction is humbling. I will forever be changed by their strength. They are teaching me so much, and daily I am reminded again and again how wonderful my life is.
I will forever thank my Heavenly Father for our month of travel over Christmas break. Experiencing it all beside my husband was one of the most amazing opportunities I've ever been given. I keep dreaming big impossible things, and somehow God always opens a door for me to achieve them. Don't ever sell yourself short. I'm reminded over and over again of the potential I have through his help.
Madi leaving to Japan in less than 2 months still catches my breath. I think I'm still in denial. Don't worry Kenny and I have already started planning how to fit airline tickets to Japan in our budget. I will be there to pick her up mark my words.
Last but not least I'm so grateful for primary. I think about our little kids all the time, and sometimes Kenny and I will talk about them before we fall asleep and just laugh at all their little sayings. They are such a bright light in this world. I'm really understanding why the class is called sunbeams. Last week I taught the lesson on the first vision. I was explaining the part of Satan, and no one was cueing into it so I explained him as the bad guy...every eye was completely freaked out that the bad guy was trying to take over Joseph Smith, and then we talked about our Super Heros Heavenly Father and Jesus. When I was explaining how they have the power to save us from every single bad guy I was touched from the simplicity of the message, and yet how incredibly true it is. Every kid thought that was the coolest thing they had ever heard, and were each able to retell the entire story with their sliding visual aid I made for them. Teaching the gospel to children is truly one of my favorite things.
I was feeling some of all of this gratitude last sunday when I got up to bear my testimony, and I was already in tears before I even started.
I truly stand amazed at the love jesus offers me.
Kenny is crazy busy in school, and working his booty off. How he is managing good grades in a statistics major is beyond me. Somehow I can't help but thank my Heavenly Father in almost every prayer for the opportunity we have to both be in school. Ghana is a constant reminder to me of the blessing it is to gain an education. This semester is already a lot more work than last semester because of my pharmacy and neurochemistry classes, but I honestly can say I love learning about what a drug does to the neurochemistry of your brain. I love learning about the synapse and the influx of dopamine and the inhibited uptake pumps from the certain drug...I always knew I was a nerd, but I think I'm becoming more so in these classes. I look up odd videos about the brain all the time. Our bodies are the greatest miracles. I am absolutely fascinated by it all.
I'm currently trying to put in about 12 hours a week at my internship in Draper at YouthCare. It is an adolescent residential facility, and I couldn't be happier with the amount I'm learning. YouthCare was my last interview, and I had 2 other internship opportunities offered to me. I told John, "I want to learn everything I can during my hours here, will you facilitate a learning environment for me to also expand my ideas for growth within your program?" He said yes, and I knew he would take the time to let me learn, and he has done exactly that. I am inspired and in awe at those teenagers. Half of the time I'm trying to keep myself together because I want to just sob with them. Life has thrown them things we can't even begin to imagine. Picking up a substance was the the only thing they knew how to do to numb the pain. Breaking down those barriers, and being able to see the vulnerability of a human, without the walls, is truly one of the most beautiful things I've ever been apart of.
I've also started a job working 32-35 hours a week at the House of Hope. I'm a day treatment case manager for women in treatment. House of Hope is one of the few organizations in Utah offering a place for your to get treatment with your children. Many of the women I'm working with are pregnant, and we have about 6 brand new babies that come to our sessions. Watching these woman adapt to being a mother for the first time while trying to overcome an addiction is humbling. I will forever be changed by their strength. They are teaching me so much, and daily I am reminded again and again how wonderful my life is.
I will forever thank my Heavenly Father for our month of travel over Christmas break. Experiencing it all beside my husband was one of the most amazing opportunities I've ever been given. I keep dreaming big impossible things, and somehow God always opens a door for me to achieve them. Don't ever sell yourself short. I'm reminded over and over again of the potential I have through his help.
Madi leaving to Japan in less than 2 months still catches my breath. I think I'm still in denial. Don't worry Kenny and I have already started planning how to fit airline tickets to Japan in our budget. I will be there to pick her up mark my words.
Last but not least I'm so grateful for primary. I think about our little kids all the time, and sometimes Kenny and I will talk about them before we fall asleep and just laugh at all their little sayings. They are such a bright light in this world. I'm really understanding why the class is called sunbeams. Last week I taught the lesson on the first vision. I was explaining the part of Satan, and no one was cueing into it so I explained him as the bad guy...every eye was completely freaked out that the bad guy was trying to take over Joseph Smith, and then we talked about our Super Heros Heavenly Father and Jesus. When I was explaining how they have the power to save us from every single bad guy I was touched from the simplicity of the message, and yet how incredibly true it is. Every kid thought that was the coolest thing they had ever heard, and were each able to retell the entire story with their sliding visual aid I made for them. Teaching the gospel to children is truly one of my favorite things.
I was feeling some of all of this gratitude last sunday when I got up to bear my testimony, and I was already in tears before I even started.
I truly stand amazed at the love jesus offers me.
mr. schreiner
I have about a million blogs half finished, and waiting for me to seal the deal, and yet I can't get my mind off of a happening this week.
Kenny somehow happened to have all 6 midterms land on this week so it's been -almost- finals week around here. Wednesday night is our only weekday night together so he decided to come home a little earlier. 8:00 rolled in, and I was anxiously awaiting my man. I could see the two bright lights of the front runner train approaching, and my heart was literally excited. I spotted his walk/bod before he was close enough for me to see his face. He was almost to the car when I glanced up into the rearview mirror and realized I was grinning.
He makes me smile without my consciousness clueing into it. Who even knew that was possible.
Kenny somehow happened to have all 6 midterms land on this week so it's been -almost- finals week around here. Wednesday night is our only weekday night together so he decided to come home a little earlier. 8:00 rolled in, and I was anxiously awaiting my man. I could see the two bright lights of the front runner train approaching, and my heart was literally excited. I spotted his walk/bod before he was close enough for me to see his face. He was almost to the car when I glanced up into the rearview mirror and realized I was grinning.
He makes me smile without my consciousness clueing into it. Who even knew that was possible.
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