my own gratefuls.

This month I've been focusing a portion of group each day towards gratitude with my women. It's brought tears of reflection to look at where they've come, and what sobriety has brought back into their lives. It's been emotional for me to watch the shift of attitude within our community, and how influential gratitude can be in our own lives.

This daily ritual has also been leaving me on the brink of tears as I reflect on all my many blessings. A couple nights ago I was up at 3:00 throwing up, and feeling worried about what my work day would look like.

As I quietly climbed back into bed, Kenneth rolled over in his sleep and pulled me closer. As I laid there wrapped in his arms watching my lover sleep, I also felt those miraculous baby kicks from my little man.

How do you take in such a piece of heaven, and truly be grateful.

Kenneth Richard.

A couple weeks ago I was at dinner with a friend who recently met Kenny. During dinner she remarked can I tell you that I love you and your husband. Just watching you for those short 15 minutes I saw the way you looked at each other, and I continue to see the way you strengthen each other the more I get to know you.

I sucked in a deep breath of air the kind that tries to hold back the emotions already emerging from my eyes, and all I could think to say was "I don't know why I got so lucky".

At work the women talk about the men they are dating, my coworkers talk about their husbands/exhusbands... and somehow I always feel shy chiming into those conversations when I think about how perfectly fit Kenneth is for me. The even more embarrassing part is when I start talking about us I end up practically in tears wishing with all my heart they could have something close to what I have.

To try to express the way my love has grown, deepened, and changed over these past 2 years of marriage and since high school is probably pointless...yet I can't help but try.

First and for most looking at our baby; the baby our love created on that little ultrasound screen touches a place inside me with the purest of love for this man. This man that was once the teenage, bleached-out-haired, incredibly tan kenneth that I fell lustfully in love with. The teenager that I watched grow into his role as a missionary, and then the missionary that grew into my loving husband.

All of these stages we've been through together quell in comparison to watching my husband becoming a father to our baby. Watching his excitement, his random baby texts, and listening to him chat to my belly show me a glimpse into a sacred type of love. We feel so incredibly blessed with where life is taking us right now, and I'm understanding the words spoken on our wedding day in such a deeper way.

With ALL of this baby talk being said, I think I cry weekly at the thought of letting go of this stage of my life. This kenneth and kell stage. We have been able to see and experience so much of the world together since our wedding day, and my heart aches to give up this part of my life. I told my mom from a young age I want to be a wonderful mother, but more than anything I want to be a wonderful wife. I want my kids to know that more than anything, because I want them to have something even greater than the love Kenneth and I share. When I look into his eyes I can see my dreams, my future, and my growth. He is my safest place, my most loyal friend, and he still brings me that calm and peace from our wedding day. He makes me belly laugh the kind that brings tears to your eyes. I really can't imagine my life with anyone else, and I'm trying my hardest to not take what we have together for granted. God blessed me with a gift beyond comparison. 

Kenneth Richard, I love you.