{ Mothers }

Mothers day is a continually evolving day for me.

Growing up I loved celebrating my mother, but I did not understand the significance of that humbling, and incredibly sacred word.

Last year mothers day rolled around, and it dawned on me how closely that sacred calling now looms in my future. I know, I know…I was quite visionary when it came to what my perfect wedding day would be like, but in all honesty I think I’ve dreamt of the first moment with my precious child—straight from heaven—more frequently than the wedding vision. Being married, the vision has sweetened in its vividness, with Kenneth beside me. At age eleven I was already “literally” writing down some dos and don’ts I wanted to follow as a mother, and that list has grown, evolved, and been corrected time and time again ever since then.

The older I’ve grown the closer my list has aligned to that of my mothers. 

Madisons letter to my mom yesterday quoted the scriptures as she spoke of those faithful mothers of the stripling warriors. I read her words, and they echoed the ones in my heart. “we do not doubt our mothers knew it” (Alma 56:48). Greater than any of my mothers teachings was faith and love of the Savior. She loves him, she follows him, and she has taught me how to listen to him. I was about 10-12 years old when my mother was called as Relief Society president, and she instilled me a deep understanding of how to love thy neighbor; she taught me how to serve. That calling ended, but the service continued. I do not think there is a greater friend to have than my mother. I watch the way she calls on her dear friends, she prayers for each of them, and loves so purely. I have never doubted my mothers testimony, and I have always seen her exemplify her desire to show her Savior she loves him, and that she is listening to the Holy Ghost. What more as a mother can you wish to teach your children?

Secondly my mom is practical, and rational. In the heat of emotions or drama she says it like it is. I always new my mom understood “my side”, but when I was upset or worried I was always shown the opposing sides feelings. She never indulged the “drama”, and told me what I needed to do to be the bigger person. ALWAYS she taught me how to be Christ like. It is not like my feelings weren’t valid, but she wanted me to be more than those feelings. I don’t think there is anything better to be taught as a daughter of God. For the most part I have been able to stray myself away from the drama of being a woman, and have been able to understand that the drama just comes from the insecurities we each carry. To coincide with this she taught me to love myself. Yes, I have my own insecurities, but for the most part my love for myself parallels more closely to my Saviors love than what the world would have me view myself as. Daily in my work I can see how this simple knowledge can change the outcome of your entire life. Knowing that you are a daughter of God changes your life, your views, your heartbreaks, and more than anything the mindset you take through this life.

My mother taught me to work. From day one we had jobs and things that were our responsibility to have. Not one of them included the phrase “If you do this…then we’ll buy you this…”. Part of being alive is working, and dang it you will love it. Some of my fondest memories are Saturday mornings weeding the garden beside my entire family. She followed the model of families that work together stay together as well as families that play together stay together. I’m grateful that she taught me to work without the mindset of “now I deserve something”. In a continually self entitled growing country, I’m grateful to be able to work without thinking “what’s in this for me”. She encouraged me to follow my passions, and the things that make me fulfilled as a person. I’m grateful for that.

Lastly my mom was always on my level. Mothering did not mean “what can I buy to entertain my child”. Mothering was always what we could do together. She was always on the floor in my world pushing me to expand my reality. I can recall so many songs that were sung each night before we went to sleep, I remember hours of reading before bedtime, I remember playing house with her, and always being outdoors with her. She never allowed me to be a girl when it came to the outdoors. We would collect bugs, and watch them grow. My personal favorite was the caterpillar we caught along the parkway. We watched it grow, we fed it, and eventually we watched it evolve into a butterfly. When I was about 8 I decided I should be a teacher. She helped me pass out fliers to my entire neighborhood, and that summer I taught school each week for a couple of hours to about 10 or so 5 year olds. I can’t help but laugh at the idea of it all right now, but if I had a dream she assisted me in following it… even if it was as extreme as flying to Ghana. In retrospect I don’t know if I would let my daughter go, but instead of following her logic she listened to the spirit. Somehow she let me on a plane to Africa with absolutely nothing set in stone of where I was living or what I would be doing. I’m grateful she allows me and encourages me to follow my dreams.

There is so much more than what I’ve written, but more than anything I’m grateful for her love.

My idea of a mother has changed these past couples of months working at House of Hope. It has completely evolved. Growing up in an LDS community taught me from day 1 what ways I can be a wonderful mother. One of the things I love most about the church is the focus on families. I will follow these to the best of my ability, but I have also learned more ways to be a mother, and more than anything how to understand and respect mothers who don’t have the means to provide the life I was used to.

If anyone were looking in at the lives of these kids at the house of hope your heart would break. Somehow it just isn’t fair. I know life isn’t fair, but in their cases it seems so much more than just unfair, and yet I wish you could see my women fight for their children. Addiction is a disease not unlike cancer in its extremities, and to judge how someone loves their children based on how they acted in their addiction breaks my heart. They could not help it. They do not have the skills to combat an addiction on their own, and for that purpose we have places like House of Hope. Watching what it means to be a mother, when you did not choose it, when you have to do it without ANY support from your family, let alone a man, you learn how innately we were born to be nurturers. The minute these women find some level of sobriety, their instincts kick in, and the worry turns to their children. You would not believe the guilt these women carry, let alone the guilt of how the world views them. I watch woman change each and everyday. I watch them grasp things they were never taught. I watch how intently they care for their children, and they are mothers and women of God.  

On Friday we celebrated being mothers with volunteers from paul Mitchell, Lush, Doterra, and other hair places. The women spent the entire day focused on pampering themselves. At the end of the day we took about an hour to process and share what being a mother means to them. I never cry at work, but being in that room surrounded by women sharing the most sacred calling we have here on earth touched my soul. Gods love enveloped every inch of that room, and the essence of what it means to be woman was displayed. The world wishes to tear us down, to objectify each of us, and if that doesn’t work we’ll do all the tearing down ourselves. We are our own worst enemy, and to busy ourselves judging others along with how each of us already judges ourselves breaks my heart.

I am trying harder than ever before to give people a break, to cut them some slack, and reframe everything back on myself. If they are struggling with something why am I not jumping into help. I am lowering myself each and every time I stand off from a distance and point out the things I don’t agree with.

Today more than ever before I’m grateful to be a woman. I’m grateful to know I am a daughter of God, and that I am loved beyond words by him. Multiple times each day I find myself praying within my heart for God to show each of these women how much he loves them. When life is literally caving in around them I pray harder than ever before. I’m committed to try a little harder to remember his love for me, and his love for everyone around me. I’m really trying to judge less, and jump in to help more.

I’m sorry this post is slightly just ramblings of my passions, but I hope it conveys in some way the love I have for each and everyone of you. I hope it sparks the desire to love a little more, and judge a little less. I know I am human, but I’m praying for God’s help in this each and everyday.

Annnd to end these rambles here is a quote from one of my all time favorite talks that truly articulates what it means to be a mother.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside Telestial time. The women of God know this.” –Neal A. Maxwell