3 years with my kenneth.

At the end of my beautiful days I crawl into bed. Typically I am wearing some form of Lincoln's spit up. My hair is disheveled into some type of a bop on top of my head. I take off my nude colored nursing bra, which sadly usually needs to be washed because there are little spots where milk has leaked throughout the day. I am exhausted, but usually happy from my day as mom.

Kenneth always pulls me in close, I mean really really this man cuddles me every-single-night. Some version of "I've been waiting all day to cuddle with you" is said. He asks me questions about my day, and listens to me spiel (I mean honest to goodness listens) about something I've been over analyzing about. I usually share some crazy ideas of something I'm wanting to attempt to create, some goal of mine that I'm desperately needing him to keep tabs on.  Then I usually make my one complaint of the day about my dang hemorrhoid I can't get rid of... I seriously tell this man way to much about my post labor pooping life.

Seriously...you are beginning to get the picture.

And yet as I type there are tears streaming down my face because when he pulls me in tight each night and takes the time to listen and know where my heart is each day; I feel beautiful. It's the same beautiful love he's been giving me since high school, and somehow it isn't tainted by us entering into new stages of life. It's still there just as strong and passionate as ever.

I honestly feel it every day from him. He reminds me of all the good I have within me. Every single day he helps me feel like me: McKell. That is why today, more than ever before I love this man. I love that he reminds me and helps me focus on growing McKell so I can be a better wife and mom for our family.

So to the kindest and most genuine man I know Happy Anniversary.
3 years beside you has certainly made me a better woman.

I pray more of your kindness, love, humor, and kenny-ness rubs off on me because I need it.

my 6 month babe.

Lincoln you remind me each time I look at your face of the good, the hope, and happiness of being alive. You are a light in my life that teaches me how to learn and grow in the goodness of this beautiful life we are sharing together. Each and everyday I fall a little more in love with who you are, and the way your own little person is forming.

6 months seems far to old to me, and I can't believe how much my heart aches to keep you at this stage for just a little longer. I've always struggled with change, and you are a constant form of it.

 

We've made some big steps this month one of which is sleeping each night in your crib. I was a tearful mess at the beginning of this routine. I love your little rock n'play, and I love it nuzzled next to my side of the bed. Those first couple of nights I had to keep "checking in on you" even though I had a little video monitor right next to my bed. 

The swaddle has officially been let go. You are certainly not my baby anymore. Your strong arms and legs wiggled out of it almost instantly. You prefer to sleep almost always on your tummy. I think it makes you feel safest. 

Every night as you fall asleep you take your right arm and gently rub the bed in little circles until you fall asleep. I find it to be the sweetest little thing. Dad and I stand at the end of your bed and watch you drift to sleep while moving that little hand. You also calm instantly when I give you my warm shirt to cuddle to sleep.

Your bedtime routine is now eat -> pajamas -> book -> rocking -> song -> bed. Our nights just the three of us are one of the best parts of my day. Cuddling you in close for story time, and then rocking you while dad and I sing you primary songs couldn't be better. Your favorite song is "I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me". It seems to calm you instantly. So many nights I cuddle you close as tears stream down my face as your dad and I sing a little bit about our testimony of Christ to you. The way it calms you warms my soul, because I know those words are bringing you the spirit. We lay you in your crib and typically finish with "I am a Child of God." You will usually whimper or cry for a minute after we leave, but you're always asleep within minutes.
 

Sitting is old news and you can do it for hours now without an issue. You are currently working to go from sitting to crawling position. Your poor head has hit the ground many times, and almost always I'm shocked as you pull that head back up without tears determined to move that little body forward. You are constantly on your knees and hands rocking back and forth. The most you'll do is move your back legs though. You can now scoot yourself backwards, and I never find you in the same position I left you in. We are so excited to see what you do when you find the freedom of crawling. 

Peek-a-boo with dad is the highlight of your day. You stand up tall on the back of the white couch and dad hides behind the couch. Your face gets so serious as you search for his body on the side of the couch, but the instant he pops up your burst into giggles. You are beginning to figure out object permanence because I'm struggling to just move objects away from you because you know that they are still there just behind something. 

Your toes are beyond ticklish. When I put them in my mouth you always giggle even if you were in the process of crying before. I could tickle you for days but dad gets mad and says I'm torturing you. 

You are constantly seeking my attention now when you are playing. You will stop what you're doing and stare at me until I smile at you then you'll proceed with playing and smiling at me. 

For some beautiful beautiful reason you decided to let us cuddle with you a little bit this month. Oh it has been the greatest. There are moments early in the morning when you are in bed with us that you'll lay still cuddled up next to dad and I that I just want to freeze forever. They are perfect little moments. When you get tired you are starting to lay your head down on my shoulder which never happened before. We are in love with this extra cuddle time. 

You are saying all sorts of new sounds like ma da hi sss guu but your favorite is na na na na na.... you say it probably 80% of the time you are talking to us. You are constantly in our conversations babbling away as you look from me to dad. 

You still get slap happy before bed if we keep you up too long. Luckily for us we rarely have melt downs you just get to this over wired slap happy giggle state that I'm kinda obsessed with. You also shriek and talk non stop. Sometimes it sounds like you're upset because its so loud, but you're smiling through most of it. 

Feeding is getting quite hilarious. Nursing is just so tough because you can't see whats going on. You are constantly getting a couple good gulps and then turning to make sure you're not missing out on anything. I'm praying you'll let me nurse you till you're one. 

You tried rice cereal with a little bit of peaches this week and you liked it so much more than regular rice cereal. 

You are starting to really know people now, and after staying with grandma and grandpa this past week while dad was in cali you know them so well. You are also very fond of great grandma gerri. This week you saw all the aunts and cousins and they are screamed with excitement when you came into the room and you burst into tears. We are hoping you learn to handle ALL the Adams family. 

You are as attentive as ever. Studying ever single thing you see around you. I love how you are trying to take it all in. It reminds me of how much learning I can be apart of each and everyday. Your smiles are still mostly hidden to strangers and you prefer to stare them down for a bit before you've figured them out enough for a smile. 

During sacrament meeting you're getting very noisy. Last Sunday you threw your ball down 7 aisles. Luckily nothing like that would ever embarrass us so we just laugh at your strength. 3 hours of church is LONG for anyone. You do much better in primary though, and get so much attention from all the kids in there. 

 

You are really starting to understand humor, and gosh there are times during the day that you know I'm laughing at you so you'll keep doing it with that little smirk-twinkle in your eye. I love that you know you are funny, and that you just keep it going when I'm cuing into your humor. 

Whenever I laugh at dad you are always smiling just because you can feel our happiness. It's one of my favorite things about you. Reading into emotions at such a young age is big deal...especially for this social work mom of yours.

You constant stare at the fire has changed to include an occasional grin. We think you like fires almost as much as you like people.

We spent an early morning in the pouring rain on top of guardsmans pass this past month with the changing yellow leaves. As we got out and started dancing in the rain your giggle wouldn't stop. I kept looking from you to Kenny and thinking I don't think I could be happier. So often I'm feeling that beautiful feeling having you in our life. We love how you love the outdoors, and how you love your mom and dad so completely.

This past week you've been on the move. I'll admit I cried the first time you crawled to your toy. You are still trying to figure out how to move your arms forward, but those little legs are propelling you forward. You are getting quicker and quicker as you gain confidence in your ability to move your legs in a crawl. Watching you move from tummy to knees, and then forward is surreal. The best part is watching your face light up with happiness. You couldn't be more proud of yourself.

 

Your favorite book is little blue truck. When dad reads it to you, you stare with such attention from the book to dads face. Every time he says "beep" "moooo" "neighhh" your eyes light up and your smile covers your entire face. We love you so much.

My precious little boy I can't believe how much you have changed my life these past 6 months. Thank you for bringing your light and goodness to our home. Thank you for the constant reminder of what life is all about. I have never felt more joy than I have the past 6 months. God is good. I'm so grateful to know and be able to teach you that our family gets to be together forever.

 

 

I love you my sweet Lincoln Alexander.
Cheers to the best 6 months of my life.

 

schreiner california.

5 months.

Somedays I look at you, and the memory of life without you seems to get hazy. It's amazing how our entire world seems to have centered on you, and the happiness you bring to our lives. 5 months, how can you already be 5 months old. Oh how I wish to pause you at this age for at least a year. Your personality is emerging in leaps and bounds and we are more than obsessed.

Smiling is almost constant now with mom and dad. I am literally amazed at the way you smile with your entire face. Every single time I see it, I can't help but smile.

Your favorite thing right now is when we sit you up on our bed. Each of us kneels down at the foot of the bed and pounds the bed while we get closer to you. By the time we reach you the excitement is so high, and your smile is so big, you end up burying your face in the pillow next to you...as if you can't take it anymore. I could die.

The only sure fire way for mom to get things done around the house is while you're in your jumperoo. You have taken jumping to a new level. Best $15 I've ever spent. I put you in front of the mirror and you jump, notice yourself, smile, stop jumping...and repeat. When we hold you now you think we are also a jumperoo, and you try to jump in our arms.

Bath time is still your favorite, your splashes are getting bigger, but I'm still amazed at the way it calms you instantly. When I'm tired mid afternoon sometimes I just put you in the bath because I know you'll be content for 30 minutes. I just sit beside the tub and watch you discover the world around you. I could watch you explore all day long.

Walks around the capitol happen almost nightly during the week. You love to look up into the sky, and stare at the leaves. You have been licked by many dogs on these walks, and we always have to pry your fingers loose from their fur.

You have now figured out the perfect screech/scream to use whenever I'm doing something that annoys you which is usually getting the booger hanging out of your nose or clipping your nails. The tantrum lasts maybe 5 seconds, but every time it makes me happy to see your voice and opinion emerging.

Standing up against the white couch makes you feel oh so independent. It's the perfect place for you to hold on and practice standing. I can't believe how strong your little body is.

You can now sit on all types of surfaces. Your favorite spot is in the grass so if you forget to balance yourself you can grab the grass to catch yourself. My favorite is putting you in front of the mirror. It's like you discover your face and that you can sit in the same instant, and you smile for at least a minute straight. I love watching you gain confidence as you learn.

To say you NEVER stop moving is an understatement. Your legs are always bouncing. Your body is always wiggling. We are starting to get worried about what we will do when you can walk and run. I'm afraid I might not have enough energy for you.

Rice cereal now happens almost daily. You eat it, but we are still getting those faces of disgust. Can't blame you I don't think I'd like the stuff much myself. We usually feed you in the bathtub to eliminate part of the mess.

You are a nursing champion now. I loved those first months of your life, but it is nice to be able to feed you in 10 minutes. If there is something going on you try to get a couple good gulps and then look around so you don't miss a thing. You're just like your momma in that way. It's only at nighttime or when you're alone with mom that you'll actually nurse and cuddle with me.

I wish I could read your mind, because watching you it feels like its going a million miles an hour trying to process new environments, people... You still stare people down when you meet them for the first time. Once you've "figured them out" your smile starts to emerge.

Reading time each day is getting better and better. Your main interest is no longer just eating the books. When dad and I read to you animated... in anyway at all you are glued to our faces and the pictures of the book. We can now read a story or two without your wiggles protesting a break. Your favorite book is the little blue truck.

You are trying so hard to talk, and I'm hearing new sounds everyday from you. My favorite is the look of concentration as you try to tell me something. I can tell you're frustrated, and I watch you try to move your tongue in different ways and attempt to make different noises. You are dying to communicate with us. Some nights we sit on the couch and talk, and you'll look from Kenny to me depending on who is talking and jabber right along in the conversation.

When dad gets home from work you recognize his face and smile instantly because you know hes been missing during the day. Dad is so proud, because he has no conditioned you to loving being thrown high into the air. You smile the entire time instead of looking like you're in shock.

You experienced the ocean for the first time this month. It was far too cold for you, but you loved the sand. Your little toes curled over and over again in the sand. I think your favorite part though was the cool ocean breeze and being outside all day. We had a campfire on the beach and of course you couldn't look away for a minute.

You got to play with your cousins so much on the trip, and its amazing to watch how much you love them and want to play with them. You loved smiling for Crosby, and he kept giving you so much attention. When you were upset in the car he would pat your head and say "it's okay lincoln we're going to go to the beach today." The first night with Gwen you two shared the sweetest moment. You didn't look away from her or her from you for at least 5 or more minutes. She was trying to talk to you, and you both just stared at each other. It was amazing to watch you connect.

There were so many special milestones this month, but one of the dearest to my heart happened last weekend while staying with grandma and grandpa. It was time for nightly family prayer. It's tradition in the Burgon household for Grandma lizzy to try and get everyone settled for prayer, and for grandpa to be trying to stifle his laughter. Well this all to familiar scene was happening. Before the prayer started I was noticing you were in almost a slap happy mood--which I pray happens frequently. I kept smiling at you, and your smile was almost bigger than any I've seen before. The prayer started, and I kept eyeing you with smiles, and sure enough your giggle emerged. The entire prayer you were giggling. It was the first time we've really heard consecutive giggles like that, and I was in tears because of laughing so hard. It was one of those moments that blows my mind to think of how perfectly you fit in our family. I love that with all our effort to make you laugh your giggle emerged in the stifled-laughter-tension of a Burgon family prayer, because you felt the happiness we were feeling. It's amazing to watch how you are cuing into other emotions. After we put you in bed that night your dad and I were still smiling. Being your mom and figuring out parenting beside your dad is the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. I can't believe the happiness it brings me.

I love you my little Lincoln. Thank you for being the brightest part of each of my days.

4 months.

Lincoln the way your eyes light up when I walk into the room, or your gaze when dad sings to you is almost more than I can take. You are becoming so animated as you interact with the world around you. I told your dad last night that you are perfectly fit for our family. I know sometimes I complain that you struggle to slow down and cuddle with me, but you remind me of what your dad and I strive for most in life... to really be living the moments you are given. Literally you legs and arms don't ever stop moving.

I love the way you want to interact with faces. One of your favorite things right now is to pull in one of your favorite faces and feel/grab cheeks, noses, hair, and give an occasional suck on the nose.

When you are finished nursing you have started to pull off every 5 to 10 seconds to look up into my eyes and smile. You will do it over and over and over. You love that I think you're hilarious so you just keep it coming.

On Sundays if we don't get you to sleep before sacrament meeting you want to stare at the people sitting behind us. You are busy smiling and cooing at everyone around us. When the sacrament is passed your gaze follows the deacons up and down the isles as they pass the sacrament.

You take a couple naps a day now, and all are on your tummy. I think it's your favorite way to sleep now. When you are calm I can just lay you down, and just pat your back till you doze off. Sometimes I'll lay beside you and you'll stare into my eyes till you start to drift off.

This past month you've mastered rolling over. You are trying so hard to crawl that sometimes you will try that for as long as your energy will allow, and when you are finished trying to scoot forward you will eventually roll yourself around. Your arms are getting so strong, and of course your legs are as strong as ever. Sometimes I prop you up against the couch and you stand there for a couple of minutes.

Your favorite toy is your ball. You've figured out how to use your feet to bring it forward to your hands. I could watch you trying to eat it for hours on end. It's adorable.

You are sleeping a little better, and on a good night we can get about 5 hours straight. You and I usually hang out every night around 3-3:30.

My favorite moments lately have been just laying on the bed with you. There are moments where you'll be content to stare into my face for over an hour. We'll blow bubbles at each other, I'll tell you stories, and you chime in as if you already know what I'm about to say. Your grin is constant. All I have to do is smile at you. I really can't get over the way your gummy smile melts my heart. If I could I would keep you this size forever.

Dad took you on the biggest slide at the park last week and you cried and cried and cried. I had to take you in my arms to calm you down. I love being your safe place. I hope to always be that for you.

You love the swings, and usually they will keep you smiling for a good 5 minutes before the back and forth begins to lull you to sleep.

We take you into the mountains a couple times a week, and you cry when we turn you away from the fire. Being outside is probably your favorite thing.

You love hair. You can't stop grabbing my hair with your hands and your toes. You love to grab onto uncle durgs beard (auburn beauty), and you will stroke grandpas arm hair over and over and give it a tug at the end of every stroke. Grandpa says it hurts, but he lets you do it anyway.

Grandma Lizzy comes to play every Tuesday with you while I work. You love bath time with grandma, and for your naps she never puts you down. She just cuddles you like crazy. You love the songs she sings you, and she always gives you cold things to help with your teething.

Great Grandma G. comes over every time she sees our car at grandmas house. She will fight anyone who comes in her way to hold you. Your great aunts love you so much, and Deanna cries almost every time she sees you because of how quickly you are growing.

Aunt Whit and Uncle Durgs started calling you linky bear. The nick name has stuck. Those two are just buying their first home, and Uncle Durgs promised a guest bedroom set up for you to have sleepovers.

Crosby held you a lot when they came to visit, and you wouldn't stop smiling at him. I can already tell you two will be friends.

Nathan and Benjamin call you baby yincoln. Most of the time you stare at them in amazement as they run around the house, but occasionally the kid noises are too much and you screech at them or throw a little tantrum because of the noise.

You gave your first high five to Jack at the beginning of the month, and he is obsessed with making sure you are okay. While at the park every time you cried he would come running wanting to hold you and make sure you were okay. He loves to ask you star wars questions and wait to hear if you coo at all for your answers.

I love to smother you in kisses. You are getting so ticklish. Your thighs are just starting to get rolls, and when I eat or squeeze those rolls your mouth opens into the biggest grin. Sometimes I tickle you too much and you give me your stare, and if I still don't stop you'll start to cry.

We love to give you little licks of popsicles, and watch your face try to figure out if you like it or not.

I love how selective you are about your smile, mainly because when you're with just me and dad you don't stop smiling. I love that you share a little bit more of that piece of yourself with us. We were beginning to wonder if you thought we were crazy with all those scowls and raised eye brows. They are still around, but most the time your eyes dance to be with just us. Being a family with you feels like magic.

Your favorite person to play with though is always dad. He doesn't think you're fragile at all, and will put you on his legs, roll you onto the bed, throw you into the air, and fly you around our apartment. Most the time you look at me in shock while dad is taking you on an adventure, but the minute it starts to slow down your grin comes out. You smile biggest for your dad. You also give the most worried looks to your dad. When you hear his voice after he gets home from work you smile instantly. Watching you recognize us gives us a high we've never felt before.

I love you Lincoln. I can't believe the way time is flying, and in the same moment it feels like I've always known you. Thank you for letting me be your mom. Spending my days with you makes me happier than I've ever been.

a spiritual mom.

"Whether our children are biological, adopted, fostered, or spiritual, love is what gives us that role of influence in another’s life. We are mothers because we love, and love is paired, so often and necessarily, with sacrifice. Christ’s life showed us this reality perfectly."
-Ann Swindell 

Many beautiful words, unspoken moments, and the sincerest of hugs have been exchanged over the past 1.5 years I've worked at HOH. Some of my most tender life experiences have been shared with the words from my beautiful women. Many of the words echoed resembled these... "You taught me to believe in myself when I saw no hope. You are the mother I never had. I always knew at the end of the day that you loved me, and that I was worth fighting for. I hope to find the light and love you have within you someday." After similar exchanges were had I typically drove home from work in tears thanking my Heavenly Father for channeling his love through me. 

...if we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love his perfected in us. John 4:12

It has been through this job that I've come to understand how to utilize Gods love so differently. I did not understand the impact I could make by being an instrument of simply his love. I could not verbally share the gospel, but through prayers I believe God allowed me to share the very essence of what brings men unto Christ, love.  

Since becoming a biological mom my understanding has grown and the words of that quote have taken on new life. I'm beginning to see that all along my life I've been given the opportunity to be a spiritual mom. Although I know how to take care of Lincolns physical needs, the preparation I've gone through to take care of his spiritual needs far surpasses anything else I wish to give him. Lines in my patriarchal blessings are taking on new meaning as I understand how God has given me roles throughout my life that embody what he wants most in his mothers and that is love; his eternal love. The greatest influences in my life have always come from those who love me most; those that love me honestly with Gods love. 

Oh how I'm striving to embody that type of love in all areas of my life right now. Sometimes I'm really not good at it. I get caught up in my own "stuff". Gosh I frustrate myself sometimes when I look back at areas I missed growth, but it is what I'm working on most in my life right now. I want those I come in contact with to know that I value them, that I truly love them. I want to exemplify the light of Christ through his unfailing love. Most of all I want to give as much of Gods eternal love to my family as I possibly can.  

God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. John 4:16

My piece of heaven.

More often than not I stare into my Lincolns big blue eyes wishing for at least 20 more kids just like him. Being a mom has come so naturally, it almost feels like at any moment the bomb is going to drop on my fantasy life. Yet day in and day out I realize this is my reality. How can you not believe in something bigger looking at the life your love created.

Lincoln is truly a shining light in this darkening world, and being around him gives me a hope that almost feels tangible. As I watch the way he loves and trusts me without any type of reservations I wonder how to create the same trust in my own life. The love in his beautiful eyes is purer than anything I've ever experienced. He hasn't been jaded by the world, or been caught up in the bumps of being human. The innocence is refreshing and reminds my soul of its longing for something more than this life.

I'm grateful that the innocence within him feels familiar, and when I slow down the world around me and focus on his spirit; heaven is right in my arms.

Lincoln Alexander: a birth story

My experience with the process of birth has changed me. It was and has been one of the most spiritually driven pieces of my life, which is humbling as it marks the beginning of my Lincolns life here on earth. The experience has been empowering; teaching me of my strength, my ability to trust, and maintain a place of peace deep within my soul. What more could I ask for as I embark on this journey as a mother.

Choosing a direction for my birth plan was something I wanted to research to be sure I really understood my options. It wasn't till my time in Ghana that I even began to think to ask the question of a natural birth. My experiences with the birth process within the village of Antwikwaa are some of my dearest and most sacred moments while in Ghana. I learned to connect with what it means to be a woman on such a different level through their birth process. I was strengthened through their courage, and trust for their bodies ability to birth. I can't even begin to describe the connection I felt to those women through the process of admiration for the way they embrace the innate power of being a woman and mother.

My decision to strive for a natural birth was deeply spiritual as was my decision to give birth within a birthing center. Neither of which I feel is the right decision for everyone. I feel God is very aware of how his children are brought into this world, and I felt his presence strongly as Kenny and I prayed and sought answers to what our birthing experience would look like. I was fully aware that I may end up in a hospital, with an emergency c-section, or an epidural. All of which would not have been failures to me. I am by no means anti hospital, and felt completely calm at the thought of being transferred if something medically necessary came up. I fully trusted my midwives, and knew they would advocate for the birth experience I wanted when I wasn't in a state to do so. More than anything I knew I would have been most upset if I let my fears make my decisions, rather than my trust in the peace I had been given through prayer.

Looking back on my preparations for this birth process I feel grateful for those that questioned my decision, it strengthened my resolve, pushed me to ask more questions, and in the end further confirmed the truth I already knew about my birth decision. Kenny and I are given direction for our family, and the decision to give birth naturally in a birthing center could not have come with more peace and reassurance for the both of us.

Annnd so begins my infamous contractions and labor...

My Braxton Hicks switched to actual labor contractions around March 25th. I had consistent contractions for the next week or so. I could change my position etc., and the contractions would remain the same. They didn't require me to necessarily breath through them, but they were uncomfortable to say the least. At work I was standing up periodically throughout groups to ease the contractions. All the signs were pointing to my body preparing for labor. My midwives told me any day now, but the hardest part for me was mentally staying engaged in the fact that I could potentially go two weeks past my due date...and mentally I was not prepared for that, but was attempting to be. (kudos to my Martha for doing that with both her boys--yikes)

Starting April 1st the contractions starting picking up. They would surprise me at work, and I'd find myself mid sentence not being able to talk. I swear you can see labor on someones face, because seriously I remember looking in the mirror that morning thinking whoa you look exhausted. Between my 6 times of peeing each night, and trying to sleep through contractions...sleep was already my long lost friend. On top of that lack of sleep I got a nasty cold so breathing through my stuffed nose was just sad. Everyone at work was questioning whether I would even be there the next day. Same thing on April 2nd so Kenny and I decided to go walking. I "hiked" up those capitol stairs 6 times that wednesday night...I thought I might die on the way home the contractions were so strong. I could barely walk/waddle through them, and yet I was laugh crying because of what I just did to myself. I could tell in Kenny's eyes he was wondering if he should laugh alongside me, or run home and grab the car. I imagine a pregnant woman is slightly like a ticking time bomb for a husband. Not quite sure what the outcome will be.

Thursday I spent the day setting up for the Alumni Tea at work. Oh my days the contractions were strong. I went to my prenatal after work, and they told me I was 35% effaced and dilated to a 2. While they were monitoring the baby I had a contraction, and the midwives told me they thought I wouldn't last till next week because of the length of intensity. I've heard of people being dilated to 2 for weeks so I tried to swallow that information, and headed home for my ward shower. During the shower I would find myself having to breath slightly through conversations as I worked through the contractions. They were still consistently coming a couple an hour and lasting about a minute (day 3 of this). I went to bed around 11:00, and woke up about 3 times to pee between 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM. By 3:00 I woke up because of the intensity of the contractions. I found myself automatically going to that famous in labor breathing. How convenient that these things come naturally. I decided to time the contractions, and did so for the next 2-3 hours. They were coming about every 5-7 minutes and lasting anywhere from a 1-1.5 minutes. Around 5 I woke up Kenny and told him I thought we were having a baby today!! This stage of my labor lasted till about noon, and then the contractions slowed to be about every 10 minutes apart. Kenny and I went to city creek to walk around, and hoped to start these contractions back up. They consistently stayed about 7-10 minutes apart, but still had the same length. My midwife had me come in around 8:00 that night to check me. I was a little further effaced and barely a 3. They told me my cervix was completely behind his head because of how low baby boy was so that could be effecting my dilation process and intensity of labor. I could feel my insides try to swallow the news. They gave me 4 magnesium pills and a tylenol pm to help me sleep that night and slow the labor.

I got home and took a bath as directed hoping and praying I would be able to sleep and get some energy back. However, the contractions decided to intensify instead, and by 10:30 they were coming every 5 minutes. At about this point I hit a wall. I was so tired, and so struggling to believe I was progressing. I wanted to just cry. If only my contractions would let me cry and wallow in self pity for a moment--haha ya right. This is the only point of my labor I thought about an epidural. I was practically visualizing myself in the hospital with it. Instead I asked for a blessing from Kenny. I needed some direction. Within his first sentence the peace came back, and the doubt left me. Those helpless tears turned to resolve. I was going to do this, and I could do this.

The contractions were so intense I was on my hands and knees breathing through them (the ENTIRE night). It took all my focus to stay engaged and breath through them. In between I would collapse on my bed, and literally find myself fall asleep for 4 minutes in between contractions. Kenny was my rock. He rotated heat packs on my back, and massaged me through my back labor. I really think my scoliosis made the back labor so much worse. I'm so grateful I was dedicated to my prenatal yoga.

Kenny didn't fall asleep once through my entire night of labor. By around 2 or so they were coming every 3-4 minutes. When I had to get up and go to the bathroom they would come right on top of each other. Going to the bathroom could not have been more painful I might add. Also breathing through contractions with a head cold is horrible. By around 5:00 AM I found myself praising the heavens I was still alive and made it through the night and begging Kenny to call my midwife and tell her about the night. They told me to come in and they would check me. On my way out the door I threw up all over. I had to stop and work through 2 contractions on the way to the car. The drive was a blur of painful/uncomfortable/awfulness. By 6:00AM we made it to the birthing center. I was checked and was at a 7. Praise the heavens I was having a baby.

They had me go upstairs and get settled, and I tell you what I had a huge burst of adrenaline to know my labor was actually progressing. They hooked me up to some IV fluids because of my exhaustion, and poor shaking body. I was slightly in shock so my body was struggling to regulate temperature and also my legs were like jello. After the IV bag I got into the tub...heaven on earth I tell you. I worked through transition in the tub, and honestly it couldn't have gone more smoothly. I could feel his head by the end of it, and felt the end so near. I started having the urge to push, and tried that for a little bit but wasn't progressing. They checked me and told me his head was slightly twisted the wrong way so he wouldn't be able to move past my pubic bone. So there I was leaving my heavenly tub to do exercises and stretches to get my baby to turn a little. They had me lay on the bed, and cross my leg across the other while bent and work through a couple contractions in that position. I was practically whimpering crying through them. I had the urge to push, and instead I was crossing my legs and holding him inside me. It was horrible. I couldn't move through the contractions either. During this process I received more IV fluids, and eventually was checked and told my baby boy had shifted just like he was supposed to!

They decided to have me start pushing on the birthing stool. Kenny's arms around me holding and essentially bracing my weak and tired body were my saving grace. As I pushed with all the energy I had left in my sleepless body the words he whispered into my ears helped me to find the energy from some other part of me I didn't know existed. The pain and intensity of the pressure...I have no words, but in the same sentence I knew I could do it, and eventually it would end in my beautiful baby. The midwives were encouraging me to breath louder, longer, and at least 3 pushes through each contraction. I just remember their voices affirming me over and over again. "Just like that McKell. You are doing it. Look at his head. You are beautiful. Watch yourself bring this baby into the world." In the intensity of such a moment the room felt so still, and full of a strength centered on me. So much belief and love empowering me to do this. I saw the faces of my women often during the toughest parts of the labor. I felt them with me in a way I've never felt before encouraging this most beautiful part of being a woman. I could hear my Sammy telling me the village was praying for my safe delivery. I felt their prayers as if they were in the room speaking them to me. Even through my pushing I felt such a calm.

Oh how grateful I am to say I was aware and present for ALL of his beautiful labor and birth. watching his head slowly make progress during the hour I pushed was unbelievable. Getting his head past my pubic bone was like finishing a marathon. No one will ever appreciate the size of his head the way I do. I worked my bum off for every inch of that beautiful 14 inch noggin. I felt every bit of his entry into this world, and it was beautiful. I have never been more vulnerable, and it allowed me to feel such a beauty and love for myself and my femininity.

Eventually my baby boy crowned and shortly after his head made its way out, and I was able to help grab him as the rest of him slid out with ease (the head sure paved the way). As I pulled him onto my chest my first thought was, he is huge, and that is the most precious nose I've ever seen. He came out with such a scowl, and his perfect chubby nose was creased in such a crusty. I knew I couldn't be more in love with him. All I could say was I love you over and over again through my tears, and the minute he heard my voice his cries settled, and he opened his beautiful eyes and just stared up at me.

That is the moment I knew I was a mom.

The connection I felt with him is one I will never be able to put into words, but I do know that my understanding of Gods love for his children changed. I have never felt so much love before, especially for my Kenneth. I don't know how you doubt his existence and desire for your happiness when you look at the beauty in loving someone so much you have the ability to create life together. Lincoln is a love child through and through. Every bit of his life began because of how deeply I love his dad. Not many kids are born into something so beautiful, and I am humbled to be able to give that to my child.

They weren't lying about the release of endorphins after you give birth. I was in a happy state of heaven. I literally was laughing as they stitched up a couple of my small tears. (Thank heavens for midwives that massaged me during breaks in contractions and helped lessen my tearing). There were so many moments over the next several hours where I would find myself in a heaven on earth I've never felt before cuddled next to Kenny, with our little boy against my chest. I have never felt so complete. I kept looking at Kenny through tears...we made a human, the cutest little human!!

One of the most beautiful parts of the entire day was watching my family and loved ones love on my baby boy. Watching the emotions of those I love most was humbling. I could not have been more blessed when it comes to family. I am already daydreaming of the moment my Madi gets to meet our little Lincoln.

All in all Lincolns birth was everything and more than I could have hoped for. The gratitude within my soul is oozing into every bit of my life. I literally could not be more obsessed with my little family. God is good.

Lincoln Alexander Schreiner
Born April 5, 2014 at 2:19 PM --- Due date April 9th
Weighing 8lbs 13oz and 22 inches long 

This video was filmed by my brother Conor. By some miracle everything worked out for him to fly out for work the week before I had Lincoln. He flew home on my due date...thank goodness Lincoln came early! I have watched this video over and over again, and can't wait to watch the rest of the footage he took during the birth process. I will cherish this forever. Love you Conor!!

welcome 2014

Kenneth left to go pick up our bombay house take out, and I sat cuddled on the couch waiting for his return. I was laughing to myself at how different this new years beginning has already been compared to the last two. 2013 was welcomed in London, and 2012 we were on the beach in Puerto Rico. Both were unforgettable, and yet somehow this one felt like I struck gold differently. The previous hour had been spent trying to take videos of my stomach while it moved from our little mans squirming.

As I sat in my twinkled living room it felt magical to reflect on this past year, and all that Kenneth and I have experienced together. We have literally seen the world together, and because of it our priorities have changed our goals have changed, and what we want for our future has been shifted.

I reflected on how I've changed this year personally. I feel so incredibly grateful for who I've worked to become this year while working at House of Hope. I'm grateful for the way my mind has been challenged, opened, shifted, and changed from the lives of those beautiful women I get to spend my days with. I'm grateful for the continual self awareness of my weaknesses and acceptance of my faults. I've learned to first look at myself and what I can do to change. Because any type of growth always begins within me.

I thought about the promptings that started coming at the beginning of 2013 for Kenneth and I to start our family, and the spiritual journey we experienced throughout the months leading to his beginning. This start to parenthood has taught me a glimpse of Gods love for his children. His words of direction concerning our little man have been clearer than any I've ever experienced. I pray nightly that they will continue to be that way. Heaven knows I need his help to teach and love this child in an ever changing world.

By the time Kenneth was home I was practically in tears. We spent the rest of the night talking (minus me throwing up EVERYTHING) about our goals, dreams, and the changes that loom before us in 2014.

I tell you what, there is NO ONE I'd rather stand beside in life. To say I'm grateful for my other half is the understatement of the year, but I'm grateful to say the least. I feel such peace and confidence starting a family beside this man. I know that he will only continue to make me a better person as well as a better mother.

So, as I sat wrapped in kenneth's arms on the capitol steps looking out at my favorite place on earth completely lit in fireworks; we welcomed in 2014 with all of its beautiful changes.

We will never be the same, and my goodness I couldn't be more excited for the change this little miracle of our love with bring.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!


(yes my new year goal is back to blogging after my almost year hiatus)